Dearest: New Post

I’m usually pretty good when it comes to writing a letter. It’s an old ritual for me: a piece of paper, a comfortable pen, maybe some coffees or songs by the speaker (if I want to spoil myself). And I’ve missed it a lot lately. I know - why don’t you just send letters then, Clara? Well I did, actually. I’ve written letters for my best friends, some love letters for my husband, introduction letters to some readers… birthday cards, congratulation cards, get-well-soon cards… grieving cards. The last one is often too hard to send out, but it has become more necessary than before; you know, since the pandemic came into our lives. And maybe that is why (among other reasons) I couldn’t just easily feel confident with any new post in this blog since the beginning of 2021. Giving birth to a new blog post has always shared a similar quality (and satisfaction) as sending out a written letter in the mail. So naturally, I often *assume* about what kind of reaction the receiver of such “letter” would be.

Would the letter is polite enough and considered thoughtful? What if my writing is just me throwing out complaints and being an ungrateful brat for feeling negative despite having my obvious privileges around, right?

What if people want me to write a good, reflective, positive, in-depth learning about a certain phenomenon or a certain, I don’t know, life lesson? Wisdom? Pieces of Advice?

BLOGGING, LIFE, WRITINGSclaradevi handriatmadjaSeptember 6, 2021writing block, life update

What Happened Since May

Finally, we're reaching the last day of 2020. I usually found myself being in an absolute state of melancholy during the end of a year, but this time, boy, how I want to fast-forward into tomorrow! And it is such a bizarre feeling to have because, somehow, I also feel a great sense of gratitude when I think about this year: I cannot believe we can survive in ways that we do now.

By the beginning of the pandemic, I can only hope to keep my mental health as manageable as possible. Right now, I am proud to say that, not only I've been writing this article, word-by-word to you, with a very clear and conscious mind; but also with an immensely peaceful and hopeful heart. I would never imagine that a year so dark and bitter would leave me feeling optimistic at the end, not even the slightest! But I guess, if the time is right, one can truly embrace a sign for a new beginning - a sign like today, where the last number of our year is about to change. The day we're eventually about to greet 2021 for the first time. It's the perfect time for a reflective post and, to make it more obvious, a list of explanation regarding why I didn't write anything since May.

Shall we start?

LIFEclaradevi handriatmadjaDecember 31, 2020Home, Passion, New Year

On The Verge Of Not Knowing

In two days, I will be turning 31 years old. Having spent another round of decade in this lifetime, I always thought that this upcoming birthday would be a challenging one... or scary, to say the least.

I remember celebrating my 21st birthday and hated it, a lot, because I was super conscious about not being in my 10s anymore. Adulthood seemed scary back then, and I'm not going to say it isn't anymore —but after a while, adulthood can be less peculiar. And we're mostly becoming capable, throughout the time, of managing things that we're familiar with. My 20s were about all those dealing-with-first-base-administration (making an extension credit card, switching to post-paid Simcard, renting a place to live on my own, figuring out how to cook rice) as well as hovering through the thin surface of being in-and-out of relationship(s). But those days were over: the last year of my 20s was no more about learning; it was about "becoming".

See, previously, I got the next stage of my life planned quite neatly before, theoretically. In high school, I knew already what I wanted to do by the time I enter university. And during my university time, I also knew what kind of career I should pursue after I graduated. But then comes my 29th birthday and a follow-up pregnancy. Exactly a year after, three days after my 30th birthday, my daughter Dia was born. That was the turning point: I no longer know shit.

LIFEclaradevi handriatmadjaApril 28, 2020birthday, thirties, margaret atwood

The Year 2020 and Its Untold Possibilities

It's mid-April already, a time where a year-opening theme doesn't seem like a relevant topic anymore. But this is (indeed) my first post in this year, and it's nothing like I've prepared in my mind before. I was in perfect sync with all aspects of my life by the end of last year: career, passion, domestic affairs. The span of upcoming months was so bright, so promising. Then comes the pandemic, which isn't such news anymore for us (I even have grown quite tired of it, actually), and here we are all: suddenly switching our gear from alert to survival. And I hope not to complain about it. I am almost entirely privileged, if not considering my status as a woman in the more-general, marginalized part of society. First of all, I have a job, and then I have a house and a family. People are dying and losing their job, so it's considerably lucky that all I need to do is to stay at home. Donate to the right foundations, support the good movements. I can always try to cook more, exercise more, craft more.

But since the beginning of the home quarantine session, I had to close down our entire FnB businesses while making sure that we can adequately provide everyone their paid-leave checks. There's still anxiety... and as much as I've tried to ignore it, it is real, and it's necessary for us to address that together.

We are now entering an uncertain phase, and we're all anxious in so many different ways.

LIFEclaradevi handriatmadjaApril 18, 20202020

A Pause, A Break —A New Beginning

Akhirnya! Setelah lima bulan menghilang dari blog ini, saya kembali dengan keberanian untuk menulis post berbahasa Indonesia… dan menyampaikan sebuah kabar gembira. I’m going to be a mother. (Percayalah, kalimat barusan itu masih terasa sungguh ajaib di telinga saya.) Kabar kehamilan saya datang di bulan Agustus, dimana saat itu saya dan Pak Gege lagi lumayan riweuh ngurusin opening TUJUAN, cafe and function space baru yang kami bangun bersama (lebih banyak dia tentunya, saya cuma bantu-bantu dikit aja). Dalam post ini, saya akan menceritakan detailnya.

LIFE, PREGNANCY, BAHASA INDONESIAclaradevi handriatmadjaDecember 10, 2018pregnancy, Bahasa

What Happened in : May. A lot, and Alone.

May 2018. The month of re-assessing the reality. My April was crowded and full of other people, something that I enjoyed and, at the same time, feeling very conscious about. The month was started by me boarding on a group trip and ended with my birthday celebration with friends and family— indeed, a month-long fiesta. And I loved it. All the flights, the new experiences, the travel, the social life. I also love the fact that my birth date is the last day of April, which make my symbol-centric mind all excited about always having a great way to "close" the month. Birthday party! I love parties! I love being around people! I also love, equally, the opposite of all that —I love being alone. And quite romantically, my May this year was about many things that relate to the state of aloneness. Do you want to know why?

LIFEclaradevi handriatmadjaJune 10, 2018alone, aloneness, contemplation, May, 2018

Alright, Where Were We? (Being A Wife, Building a House, Another Puppy, New Haircut —and More!)

The first month of 2018 has recently passed and by the time I write this post, the Lunar New Year is exactly just a day away. What a wonderful period to witness. Going a little backward, the year 2017 will be one of the years that I found incredibly remarkable: it is an eternal reminder of when the world around me redefined itself in a whole new shape, like getting a facelift made out of its own bone and flesh. More in a great way, though. Not in a way that I will usually be scared of (Taurean and Their Phobia of The Happening Changes In Life™), but in a surprising little perspective turn that made me feel like I started to ENJOY the changes. Here is a story about those changes.

WEDDING, LIFEclaradevi handriatmadjaFebruary 7, 2018wedding, puppies, pet, home, projects, cafe

An Opening to 2018: The Joy of Disappearing

Upon waiting for my Moka pot to finish brewing this morning, I opened my Instagram and found an interesting DM from a friend, asking: "Yoo, where have you been?? Taking a break from Instagram???" (I'm not making this seemed dramatic in purpose — she does write in multiple question marks, always.) I replied to her, telling that I don't have any purpose for not posting updates. I've been doing things around the house and meeting people a lot, I said. Then I checked on my feed, and apparently, it's been five days since I last "launched" a picture to the stream. Suddenly it stroke me right away: the slight relief sense in my heart. Why relief, I asked myself?

LIFEclaradevi handriatmadjaJanuary 15, 2018technology, being human

Becoming Mom & Dad

I SWEAR I WILL NEVER BE LIKE YOU!"

That, ladies and gentlemen, was my old mantra. The tantrum-like, anger-based, usually-comes-in-screamings kind of mantra. Every time I had a fight with my mom, or couldn't stand arguing with my dad; the mantra will do its job: to give me the winning feel of the happening war. I will either shout the line out loud or whisper it in verbose mode, silently by the heart. I never liked the adult attitudes they were giving me. All the rules, all the advice, all the harsh criticism. You sure can see how I looked like during teenage years: the geeky bookworm personality combined with a trendy side-job as a young announcer in one of the biggest private radio network in my hometown. An easy-going smart-ass who think she knew everything. Of course I won't listen to my parents. I won't listen to anybody. In fact, I don't think I even listen to myself…

LIFEclaradevi handriatmadjaMarch 3, 2017Parents, Family

What It Means To Travel?

Writing this, I'm counting on the very few left days we all have before saying another goodbye to the passing 2016. It's a cliche, but I believe most of us will stop for a moment and think, "Wow, what happened to the rest eleven months?" - Because time did fly, quite unnoticeable, while living creatures, like you and me, buried our heads deeply inside the repetitive daily routines. And just like other anxious beings, I try to scan my memories slowly, grasping important events that I've been through, so they could be stored together in the archive of Things I Should Never Forget In Life.Soon I realize that I travel a lot in 2016. Counting the total hours and frequency, I'm a 100% sure that I've never traveled that much in my life before. Why am I doing this?

TRAVEL, LIFEclaradevi handriatmadjaDecember 26, 2016Travel, Why Travel

Disconnection

WRITINGS, LIFEclaradevi handriatmadjaJune 3, 2016short essay

Revisiting Faith

There are many opportunities related to blogging career that come along my way during these 5 years, and honestly I wasn't very careful on choosing which one I want to try. I made a good mistake when I went with the new-fashion-blogging-trend flow after I decided to blog full-time and move to the capital. I took some jobs that I hate, some projects that were harder to finish than I thought, some not-so-useful collaborations. The only way I can grow is by letting myself to change - either for shorter term or longer period of time.

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LIFEclaradevi handriatmadjaApril 15, 2016faith