The Year 2020 and Its Untold Possibilities
It’s normal to feel small sometimes, right?
It's mid-April already, a time where a year-opening theme doesn't seem like a relevant topic anymore. But this is (indeed) my first post in this year, and it's nothing like I've prepared in my mind before. I was in perfect sync with all aspects of my life by the end of last year: career, passion, domestic affairs. The span of upcoming months was so bright, so promising. Then comes the pandemic, which isn't such news anymore for us (I even have grown quite tired of it, actually), and here we are all: suddenly switching our gear from alert to survival. And I hope not to complain about it. I am almost entirely privileged, if not considering my status as a woman in the more-general, marginalized part of society. First of all, I have a job, and then I have a house and a family. People are dying and losing their job, so it's considerably lucky that all I need to do is to stay at home. Donate to the right foundations, support the good movements. I can always try to cook more, exercise more, craft more. But since the beginning of the home quarantine session, I had to close down our entire FnB businesses while making sure that we can adequately provide everyone their paid-leave checks. There's still anxiety... and as much as I've tried to ignore it, it is real, and it's necessary for us to address that together. We are now entering an uncertain phase, and we're all anxious in so many different ways.
Staying home, getting closer. To my family. And my puppies.
I took quite a pause a couple of weeks back, settling myself in quiet every morning. I distanced myself with social media because my mind had been unable to process everything I read or view online. There were too many voices, and I wanted to find the one that is mine. After having several sessions of prolonged, in-depth conversation with family members and closest friends, I gradually found just the perfect company to share the unnerving feelings with. Yes, I'm not the only one with problems, and as much it's bothering for us, it's also relieving to talk about the situation. I found solace through knowing how much I'm still together with those who are closest to me, sending necessary support to one another, each within the span of our aloneness. When I could sense my balance energy is back, I slowly return to the online community. I carefully filter what I read and completely ignore the content that felt untrue or provocative.
Somewhere along the lines, I managed to gain such uplifting energy from the chosen strangers I (often accidentally) stumble across online. I devoured the wisdom found amidst their innocent stories, their real-life experiences. I'm not ones with nonstop screentime to notice how everybody cope with this pandemic, but the stories I've read are basically highlighting the same concerns: that we are all in fear. We didn't know the real measure of the pandemic, how many got healed, and how many we lost? If it's going to stop soon or we still have to endure for another couple of months? What about people's job, how they pay their rents? And if you're business owners like some of us, you must've faced the same restlessness when you think about whether you can afford to keep the operational cost without any fixed incomes. It is absolutely normal to admit that we're somewhat stressed in between the sudden change. We stay home, and we watch the news, quietly wonder if the reality is as identical to what we see on the screen. Some of us has quietly hoped that there's just enough distortion in the news to balance all the bad things we tend to hear about.
One of the thing I miss the most? Travel.
I personally have been feeling hyperaware about my own take on how to deal or say, to the whole COVID-19 updates. I want to express my agitation, but would that make me sounded negative? I want to say positive words all the time, but wouldn't that be toxic if I didn't actually feel that? I was afraid because I have a daughter and there's so much I didn't know about being a parent or how to protect her best. I was worry about my employees because I want to make sure that my company can guarantee their paycheck from month to month, in full cycle. I was confused because there are so many conflicting news and Whatsapp messages that people exchange during this period. But is it selfish for us to have those occurring feelings, while we're not even sacrificing our lives to stand in the front line?
(Never thought I’d miss buying fresh flowers so much.)
I guess it all comes down to each of our perspectives. I wish to say that it's okay if we're not always calm, "stable" or even productive during this time. Everyone is simply trying to keep going on, which, in its reality, isn't a thing that is so simple to do. We all got affected in numerous variety of ends. Some of us might have lost someone significant, or even a few, due to the virus. There's no easy way to assess the reality when each of us must face a demon that no one else is familiar about. It's one thing to be grateful, but it's also important to be self-conscious. If we can spare some time, I hope all of us can take it to reset everything and take time to understand slowly: about what's happening in the world and what comes in our life as a result. We can also "do nothing" and entertain ourselves until we find our 'new' normal rhythm back. No emotions are irrelevant. They all deserve to be noticed, to be listened. And we won't always know how to respond to these emotions, which is normal. Just let them pass.
"It's okay not to be always productive" is my new mantra. Looking out to the world hasn't always been comforting to many of us, because we can't choose what we see. But we can always try to turn our head and look inside, to the unfathomable depth of our heart, and seek the consolation we need to prevail.
One of my coping ways during my home quarantine is to be patient to myself. We'd think that being fully indoor with no commuting hours to spend will make us an efficient worker instantly, but damn we're so wrong. I've practically slower when I'm at home, because of all the distraction. From my daughter to my bed and my two dogs being more spoiled than ever, up to the fact that I tend to clean so many corners in the house I saw first in the morning. And so many re-arranging session, too. It's therapeutic, but also time-consuming. So I take things even slower than before, kinder to myself than before. It takes more hours to finish a single task I used to do regularly at the office, but again, I understand, and I decided not to demand myself on doing things any faster than what I'm capable of. "It's okay not to be always productive" is my new mantra. Looking out to the world hasn't always been comforting to many of us, because we can't choose what we see. But we can always try to turn our head and look inside, to the unfathomable depth of our heart, and seek the consolation we need to prevail. If this year could surprise us with its pivoted wheel of challenges, it can also give us an equal portion of meaningful possibilities that we have yet to understand. And I would bet myself to hang on into those undiscovered possibilities, to a hope that is so solid and powerful. If I must stand unshakeable to my faith more than ever, the time is now.
I hope you can find the light that you need to get this through, too. And I hope you'd find it close, as close as tilting your head into the chest and see: the shining armour in the form of your most persistent spirit, lying amicably by the corner of your almost-forgotten faith.
