Let's see —roughly, within the board of our collective consciousness; we've been staying home for about one to three months (depends on where we live, whether we WFH-d or not, etc.). The pandemic has been around for almost half a year, around the world, and we're still unsure when this whole quarantine situation will end. There are confusion, restlessness, anger, anxiety... and for me, a chance for new self-discovery. I'm not so sure about you, but for me, I've been losing the sense of self during the relatively short period of not going anywhere. And this is not just about locking myself at home anymore. This feeling is also about dealing with many sudden changes that, even though small (like the fact that I can't go out for groceries, or not being able to do my usual drive to the office); are evoking such a powerful alienated sense towards me. I have limited my activities in public since mid-March, and literally being home for most of the time. All work has been shifting into WFH mode, and all future trip-related projects are suspended until further notice. So sure, sure, small changes, a little adjustment here and there... but by the way, who am I now? Why am I losing excitement over the things I used to enjoy doing at home? Why am I getting angry more quickly now? But also, why I seemingly understand my taste and purpose much better by going through endless repetition of daily activities?

Hoping that staying-home means only fun, as per this photo with Jonah and Joni. (It’s not always fun.)

Being "forced" to stay at home is not a simple thing, because we're not "just" staying inside: we're also worried about the loss of income, about our health, about friends or colleague who lost their job, about homeschooling our child, about our relationship... there are a bunch of different things we worry about, in a day-to-day basis. We are feeling lost, some a bit further than another, but we are so lost and tired. And those have complicated everything that was supposed to be *simple*. But okay, if we must, let's not loosen up our faith yet because if there's ANYTHING good we can try to suck in from this moment of lost, it is that we're reaching into such great power we never know we had before.

So here's my take: one good thing I noticed from my mental process lately is the *privilege* of reconnecting more deeply with myself. I was not too fond of it at first. Losing a sense of who I am is not a pleasant experience; it gives me even more anxiety and anger. The fact that I've thrown so many questions, "new" issues, that no longer has to do with the pandemic but more into the inner elements of my life, is hard to deal with in the beginning. Who am I, who I love, who I trust, who I look up to?

Then lately I happen to engage in more conversation with the reader of this blog who reached out to me on Instagram, (where I would feel thankful afterwards for being able to know them) — both old and new visitors. Some of them are new to my blog, or "Lucedale" as a brand, so I found their innocent comment to be truly interesting. If you're also new to the blog, you might feel slightly confused at first - what is Lucedale and why this lady keeps calling herself with the name repeatedly? And then it hits me — this moment is indeed the time of re-invention, is it? Whenever we're talking about making a "new" normal, we're also adapting to our "new" (normal) "self", aren't we? So yes, as annoying and disturbing as it is, maybe it's really such a great time to introduce myself. To myself, to you. Because some of you might have asked, and because I need to write down the answers as I've spiralling down the rabbit hole of personal identity-search already.

So let me start with a simple step of introduction for you who recently join us onboard. There will be two different things I want to start with today, which is: A. The Introduction to Clara, and B. The Introduction to Lucedale, which I will put on the next post (because it's quite long!). Ok, let's start!

A. The Introduction to Clara

By now you'd probably know already that my real name is Clara. Claradevi Handriatmaja, to name it full. I'm Indonesian, currently living in Jogjakarta, a region (province) in Java Island, Indonesia, sharing space with other 3,5 million human beings who mostly love eating sweet food. Two weeks ago, I celebrated my 31st birthday in quarantine-mode; with my 1-year-old daughter and my husband who share the same birthday date three-days after mine. Yes, we're an all-Taurean family, how crazy is that. I also have other kids at home, named Jonah and Joni, two beautiful toy poodles that Gempa (the husband) and I raised together since the year 2017.

WHAT DO I DO?

Well, there are a couple of things. First and mostly, I've been blogging since 2007 (via Friendster) up until today, and somehow managed to build a career around it throughout the passing years (and there's more to come! Yay!). I would say that my main passion is writing and designing; because besides the blog, I also have tried running multiple businesses based on product design in the past ten years. I sold clothes, vintage findings, my photography, my designed logo, my photo-filters; to name a few. Right now, I'm trying to write more regularly in the blog, and creating more meaningful content on my social media.

Since 2017, post-wedding, I have co-founded an F&B business with my husband and his partner, a family-style restaurant in our town called RM Demangan. We did a partial rebranding in early 2018 under my creative lead, and this pandemic has *sort of* becoming a suitable break to go for the second "renovation" phase. I've been brainstorming with the team about how we can optimize our resources to pivot during these challenging circumstances, and I think I'll start sharing our progress on the blog soon.

Working on Senandung’ website, December 2019.

In 2018 I also founded a fashion & lifestyle brand called Senandung, together with my best friends Ajeng and Astrid. We focused mainly on creating an Indonesian-inspired silhouette for the clothes design, dedicated to being worn at a formal occasion. The brand has grown organically in two years, with promising sales and tight-knit customer base, but this pandemic has hit us quite hard. We have to postpone our previous production plan due to the unavailable resources and to prioritize our budget on survival mode. This update has been making us all sad, as a team (of course), but we're hoping to get back into our feet again in the near future.

And last, in 2018, I also partnered with my friend Rivan to co-founding his Event & Design company called Remark.Lab with a purpose to leverage its resources into a full-service agency. We just finished the construction of our new office last November 2019, and about to execute the most fantastic year full of upcoming events in 2020... until COVID-19 took over the stage and cancelled all of our signed projects 🤣 Yes, this one hit us hard, too. But again, we will exercise together as a team to come up with a solution that can help. A lot of homework at the table!

With Remark.Lab’s creative team member at our new (unfurnished) office studio, December 2019.

So, to the next question: What matters the most in my life?

I thought I could write a lengthy explanation or spent the whole day thinking about the perfect answer, but it's not that hard: this family. I grew up, saved, loved, nurtured by my loving family, and that decades of experience defines my core as a human being; the way I see this life and what I believe matters on it. My family is what matters the most for me. And it includes myself, as I am my own family too. There's no need for a lengthy answer. This is all.

That's about it - everything I do in the current time, supposedly. Next time I'm going to write more about the turning point where my life in this city officially "started", post moving from Jakarta (that will need a whole blog article). When I think about "who am I" at this moment, there are two versions of self I firmly have in my mind: one, myself as part of my family (be that a daughter, a wife, a sister, an in-law) and two, myself as the woman who works (with my blog and my businesses). I think those two types of "me" are each represent the essential pillar in my life: one for the physical need and the other for psychological fulfilment. The fact that I can work to provide myself and the way I feel content, loved. They both support one another. In the time of a pandemic, recognizing (and practising) my sense of self has been seriously helpful because not only I can learn to focus on things that matter, I also can reduce the urge to feel irrelevant. As someone who's not standing in the frontline (like the medic or police officers, for example) I often got lost in questioning my own relevance. I keep wondering, what's exactly my role in this chapter of such a scary, chaotic, disastrous scene we're living right now? Can I ignore the tendency to feel useless and guilty at the same time? And yes, for me, answering a simple question about myself, knowing my new routine well, and remembering the everyday thing that excites me have been powerful in keeping my mental health in a balanced condition. I am relevant. For being myself. For being someone who care. For being alive, and trying my best. I am relevant. And you are, too.

In the time of A pandemic, recognizing (and practising) my sense of self has been seriously helpful because not only I can learn to focus on things that matter, I also can reduce the urge to feel irrelevant. I am relevant. For being myself. For being someone who care. For being alive, and trying my best today. I am relevant. And You are, too.

Connecting to music, is one of the thing that make me who I am.

If you're into doing the same introductory-exercise for yourself, even just to clear your head out a bit, here are the question list I wrote for myself to create the frame for this essay: :

What's your name and how's your day mostly look like right now?
What kind of study, career or productivity you're currently engaged in?
What kind of situation that makes you irritated or restless lately?
What do you like the most about yourself?
What kind of everyday thing that usually can excite you?
What matters the most in your life?

Would you try to see if you want to answer those questions, and if the emotion (hopefully) could gradually feel better after being let out from your chest, and written into words?

A portrait of Astrid, in our Senandung attire.

I kind of notice how in every introduction we're often asked about what we do instead of what we feel, because maybe understanding a noun is better than elaborating an adjective. The sentence "I'm a writer" is easy for most to understand, right? But perhaps we can also practise mixing what we do with how we feel, such as, "I enjoy writing in the morning when everyone's still asleep. It creates a peaceful harmony where I find myself gradually becoming less and less afraid of hearing my own mind loud and clear, uninterrupted." To re-introduce ourselves means to give a chance for our consciousness to emerge into the surface. After answering the question above, it doesn't mean that our life would instantly look "normal" again, too. Instead, our life would possibly look more-understandable, starting for the inside; which for me is already quite an excellent progress to appreciate.

Things to do at home: make family portrait. Featuring Dia, Jonah and Joni!

So, I guess, Hello, if you're new here! It's warm and delightful to have your presence here, or on my Instagram. This post is the first introduction of my life that I ever write in a particular order, actually. It's weird to start an introduction series after a plague outbreak, but here we all are, trying to get to know each other again, in a time unlike any other period before. I'm glad I still have my day-to-day routine (and business struggle) to share with you, amidst my staying-home repetition. Sometimes I'd get my "cheat" day and go on a car ride with my husband to check on our new house's progress (from inside the car seat). Or we'd have a quick coffee-takeaway from our delivery-only cafe/restaurant (where I must wear a full-coverage face mask, an extra outer to protect the inner clothes and expected not to touch anything while being out there). Some other nights I might be unable to sleep because the news sounded terrible and the sales report from our business still dropping. The next day I might be feeling irritated for the whole day, and refusing to engage in any social activity because I just feel like I had enough with everyone. But then little things will come along and soften my heart, and I'd start connecting again. With people online, or my friends and family offline. With myself, inside: whoever she's growing into right now. We both know we're trying our best to get along, by loving and trusting one another.

Gempa took this photo on my birthday, last April 30th 2020. It’s been my favourite photo of me and Dia since.

I wrote on my last Instagram caption that I learn from my daughter to be good at being myself. I think I'm not so bad at being myself, really. Especially when I try to have fun! How about you? Where are you from and what brought you here? Tell me! And also: hold yourself tight, dearly. No matter how confusing this time is now, how lost you are, or how scared you are. You are not alone. I feel the same too. At least we're both fully aware of who we truly are. It's a wonderful start, don't you think?

Let's be so good at being ourselves!

(*To be continued: B. The Introduction to Lucedale)

Now Is Such A Great Timing For An Introduction

A. The Introduction to Clara

Let's be so good at being ourselves!